~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
LEADERSHIP WIRED
John C. Maxwell's FREE Semimonthly Newsletter
Designed To Maximize Your Leadership Potential.

October 2005 - Volume 8, Issue 20
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In This Issue:

* Maxwell Moment – Travel Light
* Leadership@Large – Surveying the Leadership Landscape
* Interview – Overcoming Self-defeating Behavior
* Quick Quotes – Opportunity Knocks

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Maxwell Moment
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

TRAVEL LIGHT
By Dr. John C. Maxwell

One of the first international trips my wife, Margaret, and I
took together was to Japan. When we were choosing luggage for
our journey, we decided to get the biggest suitcases we could
find. It seemed like a logical idea at the time—after all, the
bigger the suitcase, the more we could pack in it.

Unfortunately, while we were packing, it never once occurred to
me that we were going to have to carry those bags wherever we
went. Now, if you know anything at all about Japan, you know
that traveling by rail is often the best way to get around there.
Needless to say, we spent a lot of time lugging our suitcases in
and out of train stations. I remember going to one particular
depot with two bags that were as big as me, both stuffed nearly
to bursting. I was struggling to get to the train with my
suitcases, Margaret was struggling down the street with hers,
and neither of us was very happy about the whole situation.

Finally, I'd had enough. I stopped right where I was, put the
suitcases down and said, "Margaret, anyone who can carry these
suitcases can have them! I'm just going to leave them right here.
I'm not carrying them anymore." 

That little incident, which my sweet wife and I jokingly say is
closest we ever came to getting divorced, taught us a valuable
lesson: Travel light.

Margaret and I learned this lesson so well that, on subsequent
trips, we've literally gone out of the country with nothing but
our carry-on luggage. In addition to preserving our marital
bliss, traveling light alleviates the stress of keeping track of
numerous bags, saves time previously spent waiting around at
airport baggage claims and keeps us from getting worn out before
we ever get to our destination. On top of all that, it doesn't
take us nearly as long to unpack once we get home.

As helpful as it is to travel light on a business trip or
vacation, it's even more critical to travel light through life.
Let me explain what I mean. Many people go through life with far
too much emotional baggage. They didn't necessarily intend to
fill the biggest bags they could find with their personal junk,
but along the way, they've somehow managed to collect quite a
stash. A chip on the shoulder here; an ugly batch of pent-up
anger there. Ten years' worth of hurt feelings here; three
decades of rejection there. I could go on, but I'm sure you get
the picture.

Sadly, these individuals fail to realize the damage their excess
baggage is inflicting on themselves and others. For example, a
recent survey indicated that people with emotional problems are
144 percent more likely to have automobile accidents than those
who do not have such problems. In addition, one of the study's
most sobering findings was that one out of every five victims of
fatal accidents had quarreled with someone in the six hours
before the accident.

This is why it's so important to practice what I call "keeping
short accounts." When you keep a short account, you ask for
forgiveness quickly when you hurt someone. When you treat
someone badly, you make it right as soon as possible. You don't
hold grudges. You don't go to bed angry. You don't allow your
own injured feelings to fester into bitterness or resentment. 

The importance of keeping short accounts really hit home with me
when I had a heart attack several years ago. As I lay there,
honestly not knowing if I was going to live or die, I felt a
tremendous amount of peace because I knew my relational ledger
was clean. Ironically, the thought that kept coming to my mind
during those first tense hours was, "I don't have to call
anybody on the phone." It was true. I didn't have to make any
last-ditch apologies or ninth-hour requests for forgiveness
because I had made an intentional effort to travel light through
life.

From a practical standpoint, traveling light means that I have
to ask somebody to forgive me almost every day. It means that I
often have to sit down with Margaret and say, "I'm sorry for
using that tone of voice; I was wrong." It means that I have to
initiate reconciliation with people who have offended me, not
wait for them to make the first move.

None of this is easy. It's often humbling and hard on my ego.
And yet, the alternative is much worse. Failing to travel light
blurs your focus on what really matters and impairs your ability
to live and lead effectively. So if you're carrying a bunch of
excess baggage, get rid of it. Write a letter. Make a phone call.
Do whatever you need to do.

Just do it now. You've got more important things to do than cart
around unnecessary—and potentially life-threatening—luggage for
the rest of your life.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Leadership@Large
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

THE VOICE OF DAVID

Throughout his career, the head of the University of
Pennsylvania's Wharton School has learned to gather input from
younger leaders when making important decisions.

"When you seek out junior voices, two things surprise you: how
much these young alumni have to say and how important it is,"
B-School Dean Patrick Harker says in a "Fast Company" magazine
article originally published in September 2003. "At the same
time, so many of them—people who have achieved extraordinary
success—feel as if they're not being taken seriously."

Harker says this practice, which he calls listening to the
"voice of David," is a tradition in Benedictine monasteries.
"When a decision has to be made, the abbot asks each monk's
opinion, starting with the youngest," he explains. "The order is
intentional. In the Bible, nobody listens to David. There were
plenty of gizmos with which to fight Goliath, and David was
dismissed as a punk kid with a slingshot. In the end, the kid
was right.

"When I've made a good decision, it's usually because I've
listened to the voice of David," Harker adds. "And when I've
made a poor decision, I haven't taken the time to listen."

To read more, see:
http://www.fastcompany.com/magazine/74/fasttalk.html

________________________________________________________________

HUMBLE STUDENT

In honor of the 300th anniversary of Benjamin Franklin's birth,
the Fall 2005 issue of "Leader to Leader" magazine features an
intriguing look at the "extraordinary leadership" of the man who,
among other things, discovered electricity, formed the country's
first public library, invented bifocals and helped write our
nation's founding documents.

Born on Jan. 17, 1706, Franklin's leadership was founded on
several principles that made it possible for him to accomplish
so much in so many different arenas. For example, according to
writer and speaker Jack Uldrich, the man who has been called
"the first great American" was a consummate student who was
constantly looking to learn from people who knew more than he
did.

"One of his principal methods for learning was to engage others
in spirited debated," Uldrich writes in "Leader to Leader". "While
he was still just a printer, he wrote, 'Printers are educated in
the belief that when men differ in opinion, both sides ought to
equally have the advantage of being heard by the public; and
that when Truth and Error have fair play, the former is always
an overmatch for the latter.' "

Humility also was defining characteristic of Franklin's
leadership. "Even after his fame as a scientist, writer and
diplomat became widespread, Franklin repeatedly refused to
trade in on it," Uldrich writes. "In fact, Franklin recognized
that often the best way to get someone to accept an idea was to
make them believe it was their idea. To this end, he often
employed the Socratic Method. He never belittled someone or
degraded an opponent's views; rather, he would ask questions
until they came around to seeing issues from his point of view."

To read more, see:
http://www.leadertoleader.org/leaderbooks/L2L/fall2005/uldrich.html

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Interview
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

OVERCOMING SELF-DEFEATING BEHAVIOR

During his years in private practice as a psychiatrist, Dr. Mark
Goulston (www.markgoulston.com) often was asked to make house
calls to dying patients. He'd watch—and carefully intervene—as
families tried to bury the hatchet at the eleventh hour,
attempting to resolve conflicts that started so long ago nobody
even remembered why they got angry in the first place.

When these same clients began asking him to help put their
troubled family businesses back on track in the wake of the
founder's death, Goulston realized that his counsel to grieving
families was almost always transferable to business situations. 

"I had to change the vocabulary," he says, "but family
dysfunction in terms of between spouses was very parallel to
between partners in a business; dysfunction between parents and
children was very parallel to between leaders and executives and
subordinates; sibling rivalry was very parallel to the problems
between departments."

His work with family businesses led to his current career as a
corporate consultant with a specialty in emotional intelligence.
A regular "Fast Company" columnist and frequent guest on major
television news programs, Goulston has written several books,
including "Get Out of Your Own Way: Overcoming Self Defeating
Behavior" and its just-released sequel, "Get Out of Your Own Way
at Work … and Help Others Do the Same". We spoke to him recently
about self-defeating behavior and its impact on productivity at
work.

Leadership Wired: What is self-defeating behavior? 

Mark Goulston: Self-defeating behavior is any behavior where you
sacrifice your long-term success for short-term relief. All
self-defeating behavior is a coping behavior that has negative—
mainly long-term— consequences. Any of them can actually make
you feel better for the moment—not delegating, procrastinating—
any of those things make feel better immediately because you
don't have to confront it. But by not doing so, you really
defeat yourself in the long term. The difference between "Get Out
of Your Own Way at Work" vs. "Get Out of Your Own Way" is that
when you mess up in the workplace, there's a lot of people who
are interdependent on your work product. So when you start
affecting people around you because they can't get their work
done, it really magnifies how much that stymies your success.

LW: Is this a significant problem in the workplace today?

Goulston: I would say it's huge, because to me, I make a
distinction between stress and distress. When you're under
stress, it actually is good for you because it tests your
mettle. It pushes you to see how strong you are. You reach
beyond what you thought you could do and you can still maintain
focus on your long- term goals. So stress, in and of itself,
isn't bad. But when it crosses over into distress, your focus
shifts from your goals to finding relief. So it's a huge problem
today because there's more and more distress that we experience.
That's because there are so many things competing for our time,
our focus, our energy and our money.

LW: What triggered your interest in self-defeating behavior? 

Goulston: I think the main reason people seek psychotherapy is
because of self-defeating behavior. Now often when they come in
they won't say, "I'm really doing some counterproductive stuff."
When they come in, they're often blaming other people or making
excuses. But when they start to develop some trust in you—that
you're not going to judge them and not think of them as
foolishly as they think of themselves—they start to open up and
they start to recognize, "It's really not everyone else, is it?
I've had this same problem in every relationship with a boss.
I'm on my third marriage; it can't be everyone else." So after
they develop a sense of trust that you're not going to humiliate
them or rub their face in the way they act, then they'll start
to open up. Few things upset people more in life than having to
accept and then deal with the consequences of a self-defeating
behavior. I think that also throws people into psychotherapy;
they lost a job or a relationship, and they just can't accept
that they lost those things because of self-defeating behavior.

LW: What are some specific self-defeating behaviors that can
often hurt or even derail a leader's career?

Goulston: I was thinking of the leaders that I know—a quick 10
that might apply to them. Thinking you're indispensable. Not
listening and talking over or at others. Not delegating. Using
jargon—a lot of times a leader will be so bright but not be able
to communicate to all the people they need to get on board.
Being afraid to fire people is a huge one; holding on to the
wrong people and then having everyone lose their respect for you
because you're not getting rid of them. Fear and avoidance of
giving performance reviews—I think that's tremendous also. A
lot of leaders just will not sit down and give those. A few
more—fear of any kind of confrontation and fear of failing. And
then a final thing is something I call not getting buy-in,
meaning leaders will often come up with the flavor of the month—
we're going to do this or that—and then they're not getting buy-
in from the people who have to implement things. Those people
are going to nod and say, "Yes, we understand," but the people
aren't going to do anything.

LW: How does a person become aware that he or she is engaging in
self-defeating behaviors? Is it possible to overcome them once
you are aware of them? 

Goulston: You become aware of it because you start to
consistently miss goals and deadlines for your business.
Frequently, the fear of failing or the fear of embarrassment
becomes apparent because in business, it's much more measurable
and difficult to deny. What happens is people become aware of it
often by the objective evidence of their business either
stagnating or deteriorating. If they're fortunate, they will
have trusted colleagues or peers who are not yes people or
people on a board of directors who are selected to be objective
who can point these things out and also point out what needs to
be done to correct them.

Is it possible to overcome them? Yes, it is. There's a saying
that I've used in the book—"Where there's a will, there's a
way." What I've observed is that the reverse is equally true—
where there's a way, there's a will. What that means is that,
once you determine what you want to change going forward or what
goal you want to reach, if you can lay out a step-by-step way
for doing it, who that will involve, a timeline and a budget,
there's a greater chance of it happening. There was some
research done years ago that asked why people stay in lousy
jobs, relationships and situations long after they've known
they've turned into bad situations. And the research showed that
these people consistently didn't have a way out. Even something
such as, "I don't know how to put a resume together of what I've
done for the last 15 years." If they were in a marriage
situation, "I wouldn't even know how to tell my parents I'm
getting a divorce. Who would I stay with?" Then, people have a
tendency to deal with it by drinking, eating or buying when it
gets really bad. And again, that's a self-defeating behavior
because they don't resolve anything.

LW: Can you give me a short example of some actual steps a
person might come up with?

Goulston: In some of the executive coaching I do, there's a
model I use that was developed by Marshall Goldsmith. The idea
is that, by laying out steps going forward, you can accomplish
something. An example would be a leader who had a tendency to
talk over and at people. What we instituted is that after he
would have a key conversation with certain individuals, he would
say to them, "What do you understand from what I told you and
why is it important that you do the things that I'm asking you
to do?" That was much different from saying, "Do you have any
questions?" It's more important to ask, "What do you understand?"
than, "Do you understand?" A lot of people don't ask, "What do
you understand?" because they don't want to find out that
they're terrible communicators.

LW: How does emotional intelligence relate to self-defeating
behavior?

Goulston: There's some interesting research by Drs. Travis
Bradberry and Jean Greaves, the principals at
www.talentsmart.com, that shows that emotional intelligence
increases up to about a senior VP level and then after that, it
deteriorates. The explanation is that, often to progress in a
company up to a certain level, you really have to understand
people. But when you get past a senior VP level, you have to
accomplish goals, so what happens is people become more
functions to you than people because there's just so much
pressure on you to accomplish things. So you let go—not
consciously or on purpose—but you let go of your understanding
of where people are coming from when you're at a higher level of
responsibility because there's more pressure on you to
accomplish goals. It was an interesting observation that makes
sense.

A self-defeating behavior that relates to this is being
competent but out of touch. Emotional intelligence is being
aware of others—where they're coming from as opposed to where
you think they're coming from, and also being aware of how
you're coming off to people. If you are brilliant, people will
tolerate a lack of emotional intelligence. We'll forgive the
really eccentric inventors; they're the only one who can solve
this. In which case, a company needs to isolate them and have a
very good secretary or assistant running interference between
them and the rest of the company. Otherwise, unless you're in
that extreme category, I think when you're really out of touch
with how you're coming off, it really lowers people's respect
for you. It's kind of tough to be enthused with leaders you don't
admire and respect. 

LW: Does high EI lower your chances of engaging in self-
defeating behaviors or just make you more likely to recognize
them in yourself?

Goulston: There's a parallel between higher emotional
intelligence and less self-defeating behavior because the higher
your emotional intelligence, the greater your awareness of other
people and your impact on other people. The less emotional
intelligence, the more you're self-absorbed and the more you
minimize your behavior and its effects on other people. So
almost all self-defeating behavior is a self-absorbed behavior
that really doesn't care about other people, at least other
people see you that way. I would say that anyone engaging in
these self-defeating behaviors would be viewed by other people
as really clueless.

That said, we can't forget the research which shows that, above
the VP level, you have to drop that emotional intelligence
because sometimes you don't have the time, for instance, to
listen to people's long stories. There's something that I call
"CEO and surgeon speak." When you're with those people, they
don't like a long story. When you're talking to them, they'll
go, "Yup, got it, maybe, next." They're not being rude. I wrote
a "Fast Company" column recently called "Why I Wouldn't Want My
Sister to Marry You." In it, I tell about being hesitant in my
feedback when talking with a successful leader. He said, "Why
are you holding back?" I said, "You're very successful and
these are the reasons you're successful, but I wouldn't want my
sister to marry you." He looked and me and said, "Well, why?" I
said, "Because she'd die of loneliness." Intimacy is not
necessarily about accomplishing goals; it's about accomplishing
closeness.

LW: How do self-defeating behaviors impede productivity at work?

Goulston: They impede productivity at work because they get in
the way of your keeping commitments. You're only as good as your
commitments. A commitment is when you agree to do something by
such and such a time, and other people are depending on that.
It impedes productivity at work because anyone who engages in
self-defeating behaviors is going to be a weak link in the
chain. Now there are some people whose self-defeating behavior
is that they're workaholics, so they may not be a weak link in
the chain, but then they go out and have a stroke or a heart
attack because they didn't take care of themselves. So even
though they might be great for a project, they impede
productivity if they drop dead or they engage in extreme sports
in order to deal with things. Self-defeating behavior always
impedes your career sooner or later. 

LW: What are some practical ways leaders can intervene when they
see their people engaging in self-defeating behaviors?

Goulston: Something I suggest to leaders has to do with new
hires, because often an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of
frustration down the road. So with new hires, one of the things
I suggest is to point out, "These are three things that I've
learned about me that drive me crazy about subordinates. I'm
telling you up front that it would be a very good idea to make
sure you don't do these things. Also, these are three things
that the people who have been very successful in this company or
who get a great recommendation from me seem to engage in that I
value. I'm just letting you know these things going forward."

I think that's a great proactive thing to do that most people
won't do. But if they read this, they might. Now what do you do
with the people that are already there—how do you intervene?
Something that I find helpful is to say to a subordinate, "I'm
coming close to rooting against you, and the reason I'm coming
close to rooting against you is because when you say you're
going to do this, this is what happens. Now, I know you're a
person that I could root for; in fact, that's why I hired you
and I still see that in you. I'm bringing this to your awareness
because I will make a change, possibly in your working with me
or for me, before I allow you to become a person I root against."
Why does that approach work? Because when you confront someone
from your own personal angst and your own struggle, it's more
effective than jumping down their throat. 

LW: Thanks for your time today, Dr. Goulston. You've given our
readers much to contemplate.

Editor's Note: See the next issue of Leadership Wired for a
review of "Get Out of Your Own Way at Work". Also, on Nov. 15,
Mark Goulston will be conducting a free workshop about his book
via Microsoft Live Meeting. For more information or to sign up,
see http://placeware.viewcentral.com/events/cust/single_event.aspx?cid=placeware&pid=2&cbClass=7168&signupkey=2659

-- Interview by Lois Flowers, INJOY consulting editor

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Quick Quotes
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

OPPORTUNITY KNOCKS

"An optimist sees an opportunity in every calamity; a pessimist
a calamity in every opportunity."
— Winston Churchill

"When one door closes another door opens; but we often look so
long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see
the ones which open for us."
— Alexander Graham Bell

"I make the most of all that comes, and the least of all that
goes."
— Sara Teasdale

_________________________________________________________________

Leadership Wired is written by Dr. John C. Maxwell and is
available via e-mail on a free subscription basis.  You can
subscribe at:  http://www.INJOY.com/Newsletters.

Questions about document transmission or editorial comments?
Contact mailto:feedback@INJOY.com.

Visitors may use the information contained in this e-newsletter
by placing the following credit line:  "This article is used by
permission from Dr. John C. Maxwell's free monthly e-newsletter
'Leadership Wired' available at www.INJOY.com."

This information cannot be used for resale in any manner.

Copyright (c) 2005, INJOY, Inc.